Not This Time

It is actually going to be the first time that I write on my weblog in English. Do not ask questions, I do not care about preferences for the language at this point in time, just read. It is also the first time I use this to communicate with someone. You know who you are. I know that you have me blocked on your list but you probably have been on the weblog before, and I’m sure you enjoy it. You probably have more comments than anyone but haven’t mentioned them to me yet, and you probably won't get to, also you probably visit it often just to read the crap I have to say. But I’m going to get to the point. Im not asking you to read this, I am just speculating the fact that you have visited this site, but even if you don’t, the word will get to you. It is up to you to read, just as it was up to you to say that you do not want me to be a part of your life. Just so you know, I’m not writing this because of that decision. Reverse psychology does not work with me, you know that.

Every time a person makes a mistake, they have two options, they either do not care and do it again, or they have the chance to redeem themselves by saying they are sorry. Here is where forgiving comes in, when someone errs, and they are forgiven it is supposed to be forgotten, but for some reason people always bring up the past to present arguments, and that always makes things worse. If you do not believe me, then you should read the little book I gave you on instructions for life where it says: Never bring up the past in arguments with loved ones.

For every mistake I have made in the past, I have tried to redeem myself. Not by simply saying, “I’m sorry”, I think I have followed through and tried to change whatever it is that made me err, because if it were not for that, saying “I’m sorry” would be of no use.

I’ve now had months to think everything throughly, and it has been very difficult for me to try to let go of all the memories, because once a story has been lived, it is very difficult to do so. I also knew that I would see you, and I was willing to be your friend, or at least that’s what I said, but I want to take it back. I wish you were in my position. It’s very uncomfortable being judged and questioned on how you feel or on what you’ve said. I do want to say that I’m sorry for the fact that you can’t trust me or have my credibility, because I can’t see that as something reasonable, however, that is your choice. Not talking to me, that’s your choice too.

The only thing that I can conclude from all of this, is that I was right when I told you that you didn’t love me. After reading that sentence you might say that I’m wrong, you might be upset and if you don’t want to read this anymore, its ok, again, your choice. It might hurt as you read this, but you are not even close to knowing what loving is. Loving is about seeing the other person happy, even if you cannot be part of their happiness. A friend once told me, “If you really love someone, love will give you the courage to let them go”. I think she is right. If you ask me right now how I’m doing, I would have to say that I’ve had one of the best years in my life. I’ve felt lonely lately, but I have been able to get to know myself, to do things that make me feel good about myself and things that make me happy. Sentimentally, I am doing fine too. Even though things are not perfect, and “I’m still too hard on myself” (more than ever), I am very happy right now. I’m really disappointed on the way you had to bring everything up, and on the way you acted. The person that talked to me on Friday, is not the one that I shared many memories in the past with. You are so different right now, that we are not even compatible anymore. I’m sorry for that too. But at the same time I do not want to say I’m sorry anymore. I can’t be sorry for the fact that I was true to myself even before being true to you. I’m also not sorry for how things ended up, because I tried my best so that they weren’t over the way they were. I’m just not sorry anymore. I’m really tired of all of this, and you know what, even though it was not a happy ending, not even a close one, I have to admit that I’m glad things are finally over. I also want to let you know that this is the last time I will write something to you. Do not expect any more writings from me, or any conversations, it just won’t happen, I won’t call you or look for you either, not because that's what you want, but because I want that too, again, this is the last time.

I did not read your e-mail, because it is probably going to say the same things that I've read in the past couple of letters over and over again, because after what we talked about on Friday, it seems that you can’t even keep a promise. I don’t find it worth it to read the e-mail. I understand that you don’t want me to be a part of your life, but I’m really tired of reading that over and over again. I’m not stupid, I get the message. If you have lost respect and credibility in myself, whatever I have to say does not matter, just as I told you. Again, I won’t read it, and on my regular state of mind I would say “I’m sorry” for not reading it, I would say "I'm sorry" for how things ended up, I will not try to fix it this time, even if I had all the duct tape in the world, but I am not willing to go back to the same thing, not this time.

-Alejandra Fernandez




P.D. Feliz Cumpleaños a Felipe Grau que cumplió ayer y que por fin pudo comprar trago legalmente en EE.UU. Que cumplas muchos más y espero te haya gustado mi regalo. Disfrútalo (no literalmente).