What I find myself doing…

Typical Monday night. Finding an excuse not to do the things that I am supposed to be doing. Evading all types of responsibilities yet knowing that that might have serious consequences. Knowing that what I do or fail to do today will not matter in a couple of years. I find myself thinking and writing the usual, without much to say about my life. Listening. Listening to the usual depressing music. The words seem to flow with no actual meaning. I should just stop all this nonsense. I can’t. Closing my eyes and remembering. It’s a matter of nostalgia, knowing that I am lucky to exist. Taking deep breaths, trying to take my minds off the thoughts that invade me right now. No signs of stopping. I decide to look up a word. The meaning: an act or period of shedding tears or shedding tears as the result of a strongly felt emotion. The word: cry. That’s what I find myself doing right now…crying…as usual...

Leaving

"The fact that they loved each other was merely proof that the fault lay not in themselves, in their behavior or inconstancy of feeling, but rather their incompatibility; he was strong and she was weak. But when the strong were too weak to hurt the weak, the weak had to be strong enough to leave."

- Anonymous

The Me Nobody Knows

- I have a fear of failure.
- I’m emotionally unstable.
- I have an inferiority complex.
- I don’t believe in love at first sight.
- I believe in true love.
- I regret ever being in love (up to now), but I can’t wait to be in love (for real)
- I cross out things in my agenda with a ruler.
- The hangers in my closet have to have the same distance in between.
- I can’t stand when a paper is not stapled correctly.
- I like self-help and body image books.
- I’m going through an identity crisis (just as every teenager), and I’m trying to figure out who I am.
- I cry at least five times a week, usually at night.
- I read before I go to sleep.
- I am infatuated with pens and writing utensils.
- I hate having choices.
- I’m easily intimidated.
- I’m obsessed with #24.
- I cry in most movies. In the ones I don’t it’s because I either slept through it, or didn’t understand it.
- I have a “Goal Journal” where I keep track of myself.
- I constantly have food cravings.
- I detest trying clothes on.
- My scrapbooks (one for each year since 2000, which I have 4 and currently working on the 5th) are each dedicated to a different person.
- I’m gullible and vulnerable.
- I swallow my feelings and smile, but I often choke.
- I pretend to be strong but I’m extremely fragile.
- I’ve kept all the letters I’ve received since 1999.
- I quit swimming because I’m stupid and I regret it.
- I often put others in front before myself.
- I have several empty journals waiting to be written on.
- I have a million projects started and none of them done.
- I abhor reverse psychology.
- My mentality often collides with that of others.
- I carry too much weight on myself and it’s taking a toll on me, and I hate admitting it.
- I have extremely high expectations for myself.
- I love randomness.
- I hate my birthday.
- I despise goodbyes.
- I sleep too much, I eat too much, and I worry too much.
- I’m a night person.
- I love looking at pictures.
- I’m not physically comfortable with myself.
- I enjoy challenges (physical, emotional, mental).
- I love to dance, even if it is without music.
- I don’t consider myself to have any special talents.
- I’m addicted to MSN Messenger.
- There is not one single day in my life in which I don’t listen to music.
- I don’t like roses or chocolates.
- I’m a procrastinator.
- I work better under pressure.
- I’m not afraid to say that I don’t know something, I’m not afraid to ask questions.
- I hate it when I make the same mistake twice.
- I get upset when my heart controls my mind.
- I wake up in the middle of the night to write down my dreams.
- I brush my teeth at least five times a day.
- I lose patience easily.
- I dislike pets.
- I’m afraid of being emotionally attached to someone, because I always end up hurt.
- I love to read, write and doodle.
- I try to learn from other people’s mistakes. Sometimes I make them even after being warned.
- I don’t like personality labels.
- I’m stubborn and opinionated.
- I collect stationary as well as memories.
- Lately, I’ve started to lose my motivations.
- Happiness, however, is my impetus.
- I’m good at hiding my insecurities.
- I’m aloof and easily distracted.
- I’m sorry I’m flawed, but so is everybody else.
- I have skinned, bleeding knees. I can’t stand up before I’m already on the ground again.
- I collapse when I’m heartbroken, hurt or when someone hurts me.
- I collapsed today.

The Aftermath of Valentine's Day

P.D. Feliz Cumpleaños a Juliana Londoño en Bogotá...
A Gustavo Lorgia: I just don't know what to say. I care about you and everything you say matters. We need to talk...

No Expectations

It’s the first time I write this year on the weblog. Why? Well, is not like there hasn’t been any lack of time, or lack of inspiration, the thing is that I have so much I have to say that I don’t know where to start.
I guess I’m going to start off talking about this whole topic of the year 2004. This year is going to be a difficult one, because I think that 2004 has been one of the best years of my life and it's going to be very difficult for 2005 to keep up. Last year, I used to tell myself everyday “You have no limits”, “Do things that make you feel good about yourself” and “This is the best year ever”. Despite all the hardships and difficult times I went through it was a great year.

I just thought it would be a great idea to talk about some of the mayor events that occurred in my life this past year. Here are some highlights of the ones that I considered the most important.

2 – On this day I returned to my reality from Bogota.
5 – I discovered that I was emotionally attached to MSN Messenger after spending sessions up to 5 a.m.

8 – I went to “Cirque du Soleil” and saw the show “Alegria”.
16 -22 – We had a week off school. During this “Ski Week” I stayed at home doing absolutely nothing. This has been the longest period of my life that I’ve had without taking a shower.
29 – This year was a leap year. On this day I did not do anything important but I just thought it would be nice to mention it.

3 – My knitting abilities were at their apex. I knitted like four “mochilas”. Sorry to those of you who I promised one and did not keep my promise. I owe you…
5 – I went to John Mayer’s concert. Yay!
9 – I like to call this day “Pie Day” for I was taught how to bake the most amazing pecan pie in the world.
13 – This day my parents bought a new TV. It is huge and it is awesome.
20 – I went to one of the greatest concerts I’ve been to: Michel Tolcher, Matt Nathanson and Gavin DeGraw.

3-11 – Me and my family went to San Francisco for Spring Break.
25-27 – Me getting sick was like part of my routine. During these days I was “ronca”. It happens a lot lately.
28 – My dear friend Joey DiLeo gave me a picture of him stuck on a popsicle stick. He said “it’s so you don’t forget me".
28 – During this entire month of April, we sang happy birthday to my math teacher Mr. Kelsey everyday. It was hilarious, especially because his real birthday is in August.

11- My mom had to go to Bogota to get hospitalized.
17 – My friend Carolina Bahamon had surgery.
21 – It was Graduation Day for my sister.
24 – A day to remember. Beginning of the Six-Day Mistery that would lead me to my birthday gift.
30 – My 16th Birthday.

2 – I went to Jason Mraz’s concert.
8 – I broke up with Santiago.
11- Spent all day working on Santiago’s 20th Birthday (20 x 20 gift).
15 – Traveled to Bogota.

2-16 – I went to summer camp “Kajuyali” in Costa Rica. The name of the campus was “Shiwamba”. I completed the Kamunitzali.
4 – My sister came back to Weston and made our house a party central.
30 – I went to see the stand up comedy “Pelota de Letras”.

10 – Came back to Miami.
11- Inaguration of 2004 Summer Olympics in Athens.
18 – Howie Day’s concert. It was actually O.A.R’s concert but I was only interested in Howie.
23 – First Day of School. I started 11th grade.
24 – I was given a really cool painting with a big 24 in the middle. (I just happen to be obsessed with that number).
26 – I had a really horrible tedious nervous breakdown. However, my friend and future husband Carlitos Fernandez surprised me with his visit on my desperation.

2-5 Hurricane Frances visited us.
20 – I started writing a little “Goal Book”. It’s like my own therapy because I don’t feel like paying to go to one. It helps me to stay focused on what I want to do.
25 – Hurricane Jeanne visited us.
29 – Closing Ceremony for the Summer Olympics.
30 – I finally got my Permit in order to drive.

4-8 Class of 2006 Orange team places 2nd in the annual Battle of the Grades.
25 – My parents travel to Europe.
10 – I start my weblog.
26 – I have the second Nervous Breakdown of the year.

5 – I get clear braces on. It is a pain but I want to have a nice smile so I might as well just get it over with and deal with it now.
9 – Buckingham’s Class of 2006 is on a search for a party. I submitted many votes, but unfortunately, they did not win.
16 – Forensics Tournament where I placed 2nd on Impromptu Speaking.
26 – Pipo’s Birthday Party. He turns 21, his gift from me is awesome!

7 – My mom’s 40th Birthday.
17 – Trip to Bogota.
20 – Mass in honor of Intalpel being 50 years old.
25 – Traveled to Cartagena.
26 – Tsunami disaster in East Asia.
28 – Traveled to Mompox. Concierto de Silvestre Dangond.
29 – Distribution of groceries to poor families in the surroundings of Mompox.

I also want to bring up the topic of New Year’s Celebration. It had always been a time to spend with my family, and contrary to many of my friends, I have never started a year (literally) with my family not being by my side. The last few minutes of 2004 and the first minutes of 2005 were incredible. I sat by myself, outside, looking at the moon, let just say reflecting on my surroundings, being thankful, analytical and looking forward to the New Year. I was glad I started the year with hugs from many people. I took a suitcase, walked along a street, because I wanted to have a year full of travel (the good thing is that this traveling thing happened sooner than I thought, for I had to travel on January 2), and then came back to the house.
The particular thing about the start of 2005 was that it started just the same as 2004, without resolutions. People have this thing for making up as many New Year’s Resolutions as they can, and I find that to be sometimes harmful. I was one of those people, I always used to promise myself this or that, and at the end of the year, I would be extremely disappointed for not having achieved what I thought I would. I guess this is what made last year an amazing one. This is the motto for this year:

Why? Well, by the time December comes I won’t be disappointed, and just because I don’t have resolutions doesn’t mean that I’m not going to strive to do my best, on the contrary, it serves as an incentive to live a year better than the last. The beauty of not having New Year’s resolutions is that I can start a resolution any day of the year.
Also, I’ve always had this thing for odd years. I do not know why but for some reason years that are even (i.e. 2004) always seem to be better than the odds. Let just see how this one goes….

“Fito” Páez

Los que me conocen bien, saben que Fito Páez no es mi artista preferido. Le doy crédito a su música pero no me mata. Se que están esperando leer un articulo largísimo sobre este artista argentino pero no es así. Esta vez se trata de algo diferente, es más, es para un Fito diferente.

Creo que es hora de utilizar este espacio virtual para dedicarle unas palabras a alguien que es, ha sido y siempre será muy especial en mi vida. Él ha estado ahí desde el comienzo, me conoce como nadie, y todavía sigue ahí a pesar de que desde hace varios años existe un factor que nos ha tratado de separar que se llama la distancia.

Hasta hace unos pocos meses, la distancia era solamente unos cuantos kilómetros, es más, hasta estábamos en el mismo continente, pero hoy estamos apartados por un océano inmenso. A pesar de ese pequeño obstáculo, hoy somos más amigos y somos más unidos que nunca. Son cosas de la vida, duramos cuatro años simplemente cruzando palabras y solo hasta después de que él se fue, volvimos a hablar como antes.

Nuestra historia es increíble. Nos conocimos desde chiquitos y nos veíamos todos los días en natación. Nos complementábamos muy bien, y la verdad es que son épocas de recordar. Él fue mi primer novio. Nunca se me va a olvidar aquel 27 de Octubre de 1997, yo vestida de Cleopatra y él de vaquero. Junto a él pasé, yo diría que toda mi niñez. Pasábamos los fines de semana en planes de hacer casas (¿O me vas a decir que nuestras mansiones construidas en tenis no eran lo máximo?), o de montar en bicicleta, o de ir a comer pastelitos gloria o tomar avena, o a veces a cine. Una vez, fuimos pajecitos del matrimonio de su prima, y cuando salíamos de la iglesia, (nunca se me olvida) alguien grito: “Se encogieron los novios”. En fin, son un sinnúmero de anécdotas que en su momento fueron espectaculares y que hoy nos causan hasta risa. Pero no crean, no todo fueron momentos felices. Yo le hice mucho daño, y es por eso que quiero pedirle perdón. Perdóname por haberte dañado tu reloj preferido y por haber roto el espejo de uno de tus carritos. Prometo pagar por eso…

Volviendo al tema de las anécdotas, quiero mencionar una en especial. Creo que “Nacional de Buga” lo dice todo. Sobretodo el baile tan espectacular de Carlos Vives, de las pendejadas que pasaron, y de mi caída que no me la perdonan…
Escribirte hoy, es creo que algo muy insignificante, pero quiero que sepas que has sido de gran ayuda y un buen consejero en estos últimos meses, y me alegra poder hablar contigo, me alegra mucho más ser parte de tu vida, y aun más, saber que tengo mil recuerdos increíbles de ti y de nosotros…

Sé que ahora estás lejos, pero para mí, estas más cerca que nunca. Te quiero muchísimo, y sé que vas a empezar a entrar en una época de melancolía por la época del año, pero quiero que sepas que estoy ahí, (no hace falta repetirlo), que siempre seguiré ahí. Muchísimas gracias por todo. Te quiero…

P.D. Cuídate mucho. Si no logramos hablar antes, Feliz Navidad y Feliz Año Nuevo. Te quiero y te pienso…
Feliz Cumpleaños atrasado a Esteban Jordan que cumplió el 5 de Diciembre. Feliz Cumpleaños a mi primita Carolina Fernandez (el de ella si no es atrasado). Los dos en Bogotá.

Sean Watkins y Glen Phillips

Llevo más de dos semanas tratando de poner un clip de música en el weblog. Intenté de mil maneras y por fin pude. Definitivamente esto de la tecnología me tiene con dolor de cabeza, y junto con un amigo del colegio, habíamos tratado de poner el clip de audio sin éxito hasta hoy. Había escrito este articulo solamente con un link (escribiría hipervínculo en vez de link pero no me gusta como suena esa palabra) para la canción pero por fin pude ponerle el botoncito de play y stop. Me siento realizada, pues ponerlo fue más difícil de lo que pensé. Ahora solo espero que les funcione y puedan oír la canción. Desde que empecé el weblog supe que quería hacerle algo especial a esta canción.

Para mi la música es esencial. Me levanto y mientras me arreglo para el colegio, oigo música. Cuando estoy en clase, escondo los audífonos de mi Discman en las mangas del saco y oigo música. Cuando llego a mi casa por las tardes a estudiar (combinado con una larga sesión de MSN Messenger) sigo escuchando música. No soy la persona que mas sabe de música, eso lo sé, pero si sé que la disfruto y aprecio su variedad. Las letras de algunas canciones me animan, o me entristecen, o me alegran o hasta me hacen llorar. Y eso es lo bueno de la música, que hay de todo para todos.

Como se pueden dar cuenta, la última actualización del weblog fue sobre un artista y quiero seguir añadiendo algo sobre esto.
La razón por la cual escogí esta canción es porque no la he parado de oír desde hace un mes. Me encanta la letra de la canción, la melodía y el artista. Pero como es de extrañarse, muchas veces al bajar una canción por Internet, le llega a uno la canción pero uno queda convencido de que cierta persona la canta, hasta que uno descubre que no es así. Esto fue lo que me pasó. Estuve convencida que la cantaba Glen Phillips, hasta que cuando empecé a buscar la letra, me di cuenta de que Glen Phillips no era el dueño de la canción. Resulto ser que Sean Watkins canta la canción junto con Glen Phillips. He aquí un homenaje a ellos dos y a su música.

La letra:

Sean Watkins Featuring Glen Phillips
Let It Fall

Hey look, I’m not weighed down, as I walk through the glowing wheat fields churning on the ground. As all the ravens fly away, they leave nothing but the sun and endless blue day. I always knew I felt this way, but couldn't find the time to say to myself, I’ve got to let it go. Through all the joy and all the pain with the drought and the rain, the honest truth is all i want to know, let it fall, let go.

My kingdom's walls have fallen down, but I know that I don't wear an undeserved crown. Though it seemed to fit me well, underneath it, I would certainly fall down. Last summer we left things unsaid that should be now a long time dead and now it seems that time has put it well. Words can chase away a friend but to a lie, they'll bring an end and throw it down the darkest deepest well. Let it fall, let go.

Glen Phillips

La canción:

Sean Watkins

P.D. Feliz Cumpleaños a Adriana Acosta en Weston, que cumplio el Sabado. Ultimamente la gente no hace sino cumplir años, para al mio, solo faltan 168 dias. Para irme solo me quedan 4 dias. Y faltan 11 dias para que llegue el niño Dios. Ya casi...